The Shame

My wife discovered pornography on my smart phone.  If this experience was the first time it could almost be understood.  However, it has happened before.  And before that time.  And even before that.

Understandably, my wife is very upset with me.  There’s not much of an excuse that I can give her.  How can I explain to her that I’m still struggling with a problem that I should have dealt with years ago?

I have gone over the issue a million times in my mind.  I’m to the point of being weary.  I don’t like that I’ve been weak and have given into temptation over and over again.  I feel shame.  Is it because I was caught?  Or is it because I am truly contrite?

The reality is is that despite all the promises and commitments I’ve made in the past, I still find myself struggling with pornography.  I don’t know if it’s because I have an overactive imagination or an overactive sex drive.  It’s a struggle to say no to something that I’ve been exposed to for so many years.

I can’t use that as an excuse anymore, however.  That’s not to say that I ever could.  But the moment I committed myself to Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior I should have also committed myself to denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Jesus.  I guess I thought I did.  However, the realization has come to me that this is a daily commitment and I need to turn to Jesus every day if I’m going to live a life of sacrifice and victory through Christ.

But what I’ve come to realize is that I had only partially surrendered to Christ.  What I mean by that is that I have tried, whether subconsciously or not, to keep a part of my old self.  But what surrendering to Jesus requires is all of me.

So that is where I am.  I’m committed to walking in the light.  I no longer wish to have this dirty little secret.  What about you?  Are you still trying to hold on to your past life?  Or are you tired of the constant cycle of sin, confess, sin, and confess?  If so, may I suggest surrendering all to Jesus?